Funny Quotes

The task of reclaiming a bad man is extremely seductive to good women

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet

Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up

A chair is a very difficult object. A skyscraper is almost easier. That is why Chippendale is famous

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once

I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun

My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes

My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her

"there's something about taking a shower at dusk that I love. Something about going into the shower when it's still light and then coming out when it's dark: it's like being reborn. You're cleansed. I bet Jesus would have loved a shower at dusk."

80s nostalgia is interesting in how the political part is idealized by one segment of the population, and the cultural part by another. Hipsters wearing pastels and Ray Bans usually aren't also into Supply Side Economics and Alexander Haig.

The q uickest way
to get rid of a headache
is to drop a sledgehammer
on your foot.

"Cursing.? A work in progress."

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?

I won't lie to you and make you believe what's evil, is making love, and making friends, and meeting God your own way... the RIGHT way.

It's easy not to hate. The less you see people, the less you hate - until you're left all to yourself.

Humanimals could create crime, not human beings.

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximim of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.

Men make love more intensely at 20, but make love better, however, at 30.

"With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags"

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

All men are equal before fish.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

Be obscure clearly.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.