High School Crush

Sometimes I feel like I tricked myself into believing that I'm in love with you.
Since you kept appearing in all of my dreams and you kept making my heart beat.
You melted away all the sadness I kept hidden inside with your presence around me.
And you brought a smile to my face that none of my friends could ever bring out.
Something about you had always drawn me, but I could never figure out what.
Even to this day I don't have an answer to my question, years later after high school.

So I'm left thinking that maybe I'm just a fool in love or maybe I'm just a fool in general.
I can't trust my emotions anymore than I can trust you into not breaking me down again.
So I keep my distance from you, watching every move you make while silently I cry.
Since I want your arms around me, want my lips to press against yours for once in this life.
Knowing full well that none of this will happen even if signs keep pointing to you returning.

I can still remember that day back in March when you finally turned me down after waiting.
Waiting for an answer of whether we'd finally go out or not, taking a dangerous risk with my heart.
For four months after spilling my secret to you, I had hoped that for once things will go alright.
Only to find out that God still hates me since my destiny doesn't seem to include you in it.
Friends and family dragged your name through the mud and even though I was mad at you.
A part of me still longed and hoped you'll change your mind and begin a relationship with me.
Since in my heart, I honestly felt you were my muin beatha dan in this life time I reside in.

But after all of this time passed, I feel like I've tricked myself into believing I'm in love with you.
Even though I know my heart still yearns for you, never once stopped even after you made me cry.
I should have gotten over this silly little high school crush, but you continued to rule my world.
Now here I am at the rightful age of twenty-two and still thinking about you on a regular basis.
Wondering how life would be different if we were actually a couple instead of individuals.
But I know none of that will happen even if God ever decided to play nice on my fragile soul.

"I love you, Jocolby" were the words I had always wanted to escape my lips and make you smile.
But I'll never get the chance to ever say them since you express no interest in me in a romantic fashion.
You rather keep your distance from me and live your life surrounding yourself with your friends.
Hoping they keep you distracted long enough to not think about that destructive emotion known as love.
And knowing my luck by the time I present this confession to you, you'd have someone new in your life.
Breaking me and tearing my entire world in half once again, spending long nights crying my soul away.

Sometimes I feel like I tricked myself into believing that I'm in love with you.
Since you kept appearing in all of my dreams and you kept making my heart beat.
You melted away all the sadness I kept hidden inside with your presence around me.
And you brought a smile to my face that none of my friends could ever bring out.
Something about you had always drawn me, but I could never figure out what.
Even to this day I don't have an answer to my question, years later after high school...

Written on: 8/17/11
Edited on: 8/18/11