The Vaginal Exam

when was the last time you had a pap smear?
the doctor asked with kind eyes

i don’t—i don’t know what that is
i replied, cheeks reddening

a pap smear is an examination of your cervix
to check for any abnormalities?
she ended her sentence like a question

you’re going to go . . . inside?
i asked

she nodded and i nodded
but my lungs were coiled tight

she touched me with cold metal
between my legs
and i pulled away
muscles seizing, heart pounding

she stopped
looked up at me
breathed long and slow

asked
kiran, are you okay with this?
are you uncomfortable with
your vagina being touched?

are you feeling safe?

would you like to just sit awhile
and breathe?