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I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
• Samuel Goldwyn
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
• Mitch Hedberg
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
• Woody Allen
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
• Frank Sinatra
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
• Rodney Dangerfield
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
• Charles M. Schulz
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
• Calvin Coolidge
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
• Elayne Boosler
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
• Robert Benchley
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
• Rodney Dangerfield
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• Steven Wright
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• Joan Rivers
I like children - fried.
• W. C. Fields
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• Fred Allen
I like marriage. The idea.
• Toni Morrison
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
• Rodney Dangerfield
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
• Walt Disney
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
• Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
• W. C. Fields
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
• Will Rogers
I never said most of the things I said.
• Yogi Berra
I rant, therefore I am.
• Dennis Miller
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
• Jay London
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
• Groucho Marx
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
• Paul Lynde
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
• George Burns
I think serial monogamy says it all.
• Tracey Ullman
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
• Ellen DeGeneres
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
• Mae West
