Funny Quotes

About Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes Poems

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want

• William Binger




Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes

• Rita Rudner




People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up

• Ogden Nash




My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her

• Hal Roach




The task of reclaiming a bad man is extremely seductive to good women

• George Meredith




A chair is a very difficult object. A skyscraper is almost easier. That is why Chippendale is famous

• Ludwig Mies van der Rohe




A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband

• Michel de Montaigne




My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more

• Walter Mattbau




Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus

• Bob Rubin




The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once

• E. Joseph Cossman




When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet

• Nick Arnette




I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun

• Eddie Albert




Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached

• Jacob Braude




My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old

• Grade Allen




"there's something about taking a shower at dusk that I love. Something about going into the shower when it's still light and then coming out when it's dark: it's like being reborn. You're cleansed. I bet Jesus would have loved a shower at dusk."

• Joe DeMarco

At Play in the Killing Fields




80s nostalgia is interesting in how the political part is idealized by one segment of the population, and the cultural part by another. Hipsters wearing pastels and Ray Bans usually aren't also into Supply Side Economics and Alexander Haig.

• Benjamin E. Nardolilli

Attributed




The q uickest way
to get rid of a headache
is to drop a sledgehammer
on your foot.

• Jay Frankston




"Cursing.? A work in progress."

• Anna Lovering




The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

• Oscar Wilde




Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.

• Marion Smith




Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

• Mae West



Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
• George Carlin


Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
• George Carlin


I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
• George Carlin


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• George Carlin


When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
• George Carlin


I won't lie to you and make you believe what's evil, is making love, and making friends, and meeting God your own way... the RIGHT way.
• Phillip Anselmo



It's easy not to hate. The less you see people, the less you hate - until you're left all to yourself.

• T. Wignesan

T. Wignesan, 27 December 2011




Humanimals could create crime, not human beings.

• April Mae Berza




Marriage is popular because it combines the maximim of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.

• George Bernard Shaw



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