The Editorial Staff's quotes

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.