There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

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