Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
