I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
• Mitch Hedberg

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
• Walt Disney

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
• Emo Philips

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
• Lily Tomlin

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
• Ellen DeGeneres

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
• Chevy Chase

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
• Josh Billings

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
• Bill Cosby

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
• Robert Benchley

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
• Phyllis Diller

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