I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
• W. C. Fields

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
• Rod Schmidt

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
• Lily Tomlin

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
• Mike Myers

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
• Don Marquis

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
• Dennis Miller

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
• Groucho Marx

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
• Jerry Lewis

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
• Lily Tomlin

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
• Rodney Dangerfield

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