Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

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