Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

I never said most of the things I said.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Never fight an inanimate object.

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