A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

One man's folly is another man's wife.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

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