When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.