People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
One man's folly is another man's wife.
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
