Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.