I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

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